Ladies' night

Oh yes.... it's ladies' night. 

This little fishy is going out with her school of fine fishy lady friends this evening. 

Perhaps we may run into a school of fine men fish. 

We shall "sea" what's out there in the big blue. 

Lulls

So, later, I realized that yesterday's post might of been.... weird. 

I'm not sure I fully grasp what unrequited love is, but it seemed relevant to what's been on my mind lately. 

However, now that I am no longer on any online dating site, I've had a lot of questions and been thinking "Now what? What do I do now?"

I've wanted to take some time for myself and accomplish some goals of mine.

However, I've still haven't shaken the feeling of wanting to meet new guys and see what else is out there.

One of the reason's I've stopped online dating is because I noticed how much time, energy, and effort I was putting into it and not in other areas of my life. It hit me that I need to put that same amount of time, energy, and effort into achieving those life long goals that I've had and that I'll meet people along the way.

This experience has been an interesting one. 

I've really enjoyed using this blog as an outlet  for describing the highs and lows of my dates and exploring who's out there. 

However, posts like these about thoughts and questions are an example of a lull; a reflecting period when there are no guys present in my life. The first 25 posts or so were the recap of 3 months of online dating.

 It didn't all happen at one time and thank god it didn't; that would be exhausting. 

I just happened to write it all in a matter of a week when really it took weeks.

I know my posts have been farther and fewer in between one another in the past few months, but that is the nature of dating. 

I don't go on dates every day, let alone every week. They just happen when they happen. 

I'm sorry if these past few posts aren't stories and bore you, but this is the speed of which dating takes in my life. 

Sometimes there are one or two, maybe three, guys who I am chatting with or have dates lined up. 

And then there are periods where there are NONE. 

My point is, not every post is going to be about some amazing or horrible date, and they aren't going to happen once or more times a week. 

They happen when they happen. 

So until then, hold tight. You know I'll write about it when it does happen. 

Unrequited

This is something that's been on my mind the past few days, so this post is really a stream of my thoughts, opinions, and questions that keep boggling my mind as of lately. I've seen it not only in my current situation, but also in that of others.

It's unrequited love.

I think almost everyone can relate to unrequited love to some degree.
There is always that yearning after someone who has you so blindsided that you may miss out on other, great individuals.

It's that "I like him/her but he/she doesn't like me back" situation.

I've analyzed and over analyzed this situation for days, weeks, months, possibly years on end as to how to get out of this funk.
I have no real answer, thought, nor opinion other than: time.

Time..... apart.

That's all I got for you.

Time away from said individual seems to be the only medicine that has worked best for me.
When I am in this type of situation, when I cannot for the life of me get over someone, it usually takes me some time to come to the realization when my feelings aren't being reciprocated and then it takes even more time to understand the "Why not?". And during all this time, I try to separate myself from them so I don't have any temptations or reasons to go back to the individual.
It is a sucky period of time and one I wish I could shorten.

This kind of connects back to an earlier blog post about wanting to know "why?" someone never returned your text, call, message, etc. and why things didn't work out. I understand that I'll never know why he never called back, or whatever it is he did or didn't do. However.....

I want to know why it's so difficult to get over some individuals than it is others. 
Why do we hang onto something that isn't there?
Why do we have such strong feelings for certain individuals who can't give us back what we need?
Why do we drive ourselves crazy over one person?

I try to convince myself that it's all in my mind and spin it with "I deserve someone who will treat me better. I deserve someone who will give me what I expect and demand out of a relationship. I don't deserve to be treated like this by someone.... anyone."

To an extent, I believe this is true. However, I still feel as if it only masks my feelings rather than resolving the issue at hand.
It excuses that I feel a certain way about someone that I can't seem to cut out.

You can't help how you feel, especially when something feels "different."
There is that un-explainable feeling you have as to why it feels right to you and no matter how hard you try, you can't explain that feeling to others. Or, is it just that it's nice to have someone to think about? Are we only kidding ourselves by doing this?

Overall, what I have found works best for me is recognizing that you, yes you, deserve someone who reciprocates those same feelings back and you shouldn't waste you time on someone who can't give you those feelings back. And the only way I've learned to heal those wounds from this "individual" who has caused you all this grief, is to distance yourself and give yourself the time to heal. Step back and focus on you and what you want rather than someone who can't give you what you want and need.

That's my two cents... or sand dollars, rather.

Too Small of a World

It is a small world after all and we're stuck on this Disney ride for life. Damn it. 

So, I used to play dodgeball with a social league in DC. I took a break, and now I'm back. 

It's kind of awesome, I'm not going to lie. 

However, there are LOTS of people who do dodgeball, or one of their other sports they offer (volleyball and kickball).  

After reffing a game, the team headed to the bar as per usual. While sitting around, another group walks in; I happen to turn around. 

BAM! THERE HE IS! 

THE FICKLE PICKLE STRIKES AGAIN! 

I slightly panicked. I was like, "OH CRAP. TERRIFIC. JUST WHO I'D LIKE TO SEE."

I was all jittery inside and freaking out...... and for no good reason.

Then it hit me; I shouldn't be the one freaking out; HE SHOULD.

 He's the one who never called me back! 

He's the one who bailed! 

Not I!

Why was I so freaked out?! 

Anyways, I guess I'll be seeing the Fickle Pickle every Sunday around 5pm at the bar. 

Yaaaaaaaaay. 

(Insert lots of sarcasm)

A Break.

Hello, again.

So an update. 

I haven't heard from "New Guy" since Sunday. 

Maybe he could sense that I wasn't 100% in this, or maybe I'm not his type. 

It's alright, cause I'm thinking he might not be my type either. 

Although our date was enjoyable, I just didn't feel a spark. 

I tried my best to keep an open mind and not limit my options. 

Oh well, moving on.

"Tom" and I met up this week and chatted about things. We've decided to take a step back and just be friends. 

I do enjoy spending time with him, however, right now I don't think it is the best timing. 

I'm glad we can at least be friends but disappointed I won't get to see where this could have gone. 

He really is someone that I could really see myself with and I think is the type of person who really compliments me. 

I haven't been able to say that in a long time. 

Lesson Learned: Timing is everything. 

Dazed and Confused

I did it; I went on a date with the "New Guy" this past Friday, and let me tell you, I was very pleasantly surprised! But now a little confused with myself; I'll explain below.

I was nervous going into this date for many reasons, but did it to keep an open mind and not limit my options. We decided to meet at one of my favorite restaurants that I had already been to twice for dates. It was SUPER crowded when he got there and I was running REALLY LATE. I was trying to decide which route to take and I picked wrong. For those of you in the area, you are quite familiar with the HORRIBLE traffic that plagues the nation's capital. I decided to take I-66 West at 7pm on a Friday; the only smart decision in that is not taking it between 3:00pm - 6:00pm. Whatever time it may have been, I should have taken the back roads but I sure did not make that choice. I apologized a few times for my tardiness and tried my best to get there as fast as I could.

When I finally arrived, he had put his name down since there was a wait. I felt terrible; here I was, 15-20 minutes late, and on top of that there was a 30-40 minute wait at a crowded restaurant that I had picked out that he had never been to before. I sure made quite the first impression. We made small-talk and patiently waited till our buzzer went off. Finally, it did and we were whisked away to our table.

The restaurant we went to brews their own beer and so I was excited to show him through the menu. I just realized while typing that sentence that I kind of sound like a drunk. I swear I am not; I just really enjoy trying new beers and wine. Anyways, we ordered drinks and some food; that was a little bit awkward because I had suggested drinks at 7:30pm and thought that was clear enough, and late enough, that dinner wasn't going to be an option. Well, of course he hadn't eaten and ordered dinner and I awkwardly ate my pretzel bites.

We chatted away and overall I'd say it went really well! I was really surprised how well conversation seemed to flow at first and it was not what I was expecting. From what I remember, we talked about our hobbies and things we like to do in our free time. It was fun learning what each other's likes and dislikes are and really getting to know one another. Time really flew by because when I looked at my phone I had realized over two and a half hours had gone by!

Overall, I thought this guy was really nice and I did enjoy spending the evening with him. For some reason, I just don't have that spark quite yet and would be open to the idea of a second date with him to see what more may develop between us. We have texted back and forth some since our date, but a second date has not been set up yet. If he does ask, I'll say yes to give it another go. Keeping my options open here.

Although it may be too early to get to this point, I have been thinking a lot about the pros and cons to both "New Guy" and "Tom." There are things I really like about both of them and then there are things that I'm not quite as thrilled about. This is the part that is beginning to get me really confused. I know I don't have to make a decision between the two of them right now, but it is definitely in the back of my head and something that I'm concerned with that may develop into that situation down the line. We'll see; can't worry about something that hasn't happened or exists.

Until then.... swim on.

Awkward.

Updaaate.

So, last night "Tom" contacted me to grab some drinks and dinner, and I obliged. 

We had a great time and I really do enjoy his company. 

I'm just really unsure where things are going, so for now just taking it one day at a time. 

I still have a date tonight, but feel awkward about having dinner with "Tom" last night and then getting drinks with a new guy tonight. Although I know I should keep my options open, I'm just unsure myself as to what I'm really looking for at the moment, if anything at all. 

Awkwaaard. 

New Year, New Guy

Hello!!!!

I'm here to confirm that I will be having a date tomorrow evening! 

It is with the guy who I feel like our communication has been sparse. 

I'm hoping this fish gets blown out of the water, because I'm honestly not really excited about it, but maybe because I have other things on my mind. 

But, I'm trying to keep an open mind and at least give it a shot. 

It's drinks; if there is one thing this fish likes to do, it's drinking. I mean, I am a fish after all... right? 

Kawabunga, dude!

And a Happy New Year it was!

First off, Happy New Year!!!

I hope you all had a great evening and celebrated it with great friends and family! 

Now for an update.

Lets see.... 

"Dude," who I still haven't met, texted me happy new years earlier in the evening. I was a bit surprised since I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. I don't really understand the allure of texting with someone who you haven't met nor do you even talk on a regular basis that you have zero idea if there is any potential. I guess I'm a good texter? I might just be blunt with him and say "Hey, we've never met and have been talking for over a month. Do you want to set something up? Otherwise, I don't understand where this is going." Or.... well something to that effect. I don't want to feel like I'm being jerked around and I really don't see the allure of just texting with it not going anywhere. I mean, the point of these DATING sites is to meet people to DATE, right? So.... don't text me.... take me on a date. Let's see what happens. Good grief, this is exhausting. 

Again with the jerking around, I haven't heard from "New Guy" yet about setting something up for this week. I am not pumped up yet about this guy since his messages have been sparse. I'm kind of like "Why are you interested in me in the first place? We haven't even gotten to know one another! I know nothing about you and vice versa!" So, we'll see if anything happens, but I'm not holding my breath for now.

Ok, the juicy part. 
"Tom" is back in the picture. Since he was so adamant about hanging out this past week, I decided to ask him to the party I went to for New Year's Eve. He said "alright" and I gave him the details. I didn't hear much from him on the day of and felt like things were still sporadic between us; just no consistency. I got ready for the party and headed over with some friends and tried to not pay any attention to the fact that I hadn't heard from him. While enjoying myself with my friends and making new ones, I got a phone call from him! I had just missed it, so called right back. He answered and asked if he could still stop by; and I said of course! He said he'd be right over and he was. I was honestly really surprised and nervous and excited and everything all at the same time. I met him outside and we hugged hello before making our way inside. I felt like it was a little awkward because he knew very few people and we were just starting to hang out again, so I felt like there was and is some awkward tension.

Before he arrived, I wasn't sure if he wanted to be just friends or maybe something more. Well I eventually got my answer. At one point, I was catching up with an acquaintance from my dodgeball team who I hadn't seen in a while and learned that he and some other fellow dodgeballers have been reading my blog. (Hello Dodgeballers!) This meant that "Tom" was off on his own for a wee bit braving the party alone. Well, eventually it was narrowing down to midnight, so I decided to make sure "Tom" had some champagne. I noticed that something seemed off with him and I asked if he were alright; he said yes. The countdown arrived and I wasn't quite sure if he and I were going to exchange a kiss at midnight. So with an awkward moment, I turned around and hugged my friends first and then turned back to him. There was another awkward moment, but then he leaned in and it was quite clear; a kiss was in order. I smiled, gave him a peck, and said "Is that what you wanted?" He smiled and I was quite please that this is how I brought in the new year.

We eventually made way to the couch and decided to sit for a while. We chatted some, and at some point he expressed that he was a bit "jealous" that I was chatting it up with an old dodgeball teammate of mine. I assured him that he was a friend and we were catching up. I'll be honest in that I was a bit pleased to hear this because I felt like it gave me a sign that he's actually interested in me and did mind that I was out there talking to other guys. While sitting on the couch, we talked some, actually a lot, about "us," however at one point he was getting ahead of himself and I had to step in to let him know that he was doing so. I simply put that I enjoy spending time with him and right now there isn't anyone else in the picture; it's really just that. Although I am "talking" with a few guys, I have not had any dates since seeing him last nor have I met any of the guys I've been talking to. Also, I don't have very much interest in getting to know them since they haven't made an effort to see me; that doesn't exactly scream "I'm so interested in you!" by ignoring me half the time.

What I do know right now is that I like being around him and he makes me happy. I've never felt this comfortable around someone until he came along and I am really enjoying what time we do spend together. However, I'm not sure where this is going, nor am I certain that I want to pursue more if he's going to be wishy-washy with his behavior towards me. I just want to enjoy now and live in the moment; just see what develops and cross that bridge when we get there. He asked me to be honest with him and if I have anything on my mind to just speak it, so I will hold him to that in the future.

Overall, it was a terrific way to ring in the new year and I don't think I would have changed a thing.
Here's to new beginnings.